If The Avengers Were Louisiana Towns
It's an age-old question: if Iron Man was a city in Lousiana, which city would he be? Lafayette, obviously. But what about Thor and Captain America?
DISCLAIMER: Before we get started, we know we're kind of cheating here. Not all of these characters are actual members of the Avengers, but all of them do appear in Avengers: Infinity War, so they still count.
Baton Rouge: Thanos
We’re presenting this list in alphabetical order, but there really isn’t any better way to kick things off than explaining why Baton Rouge is Thanos. In case you don’t read comic books and/or haven’t seen Infinity War yet, don’t worry. We won’t spoil anything by telling you Thanos wants to eliminate half of all life in the universe. That’s just what the dude does. It’s his thing.
We also won’t be spoiling anything by telling you Baton Rouge is our state capitol, unless maybe you weren’t paying attention back in elementary school. If so, we apologize for ruining the surprise.
So how is Baton Rouge like Thanos? It’s pretty simple, really. You see, in much the same way Thanos wants to eliminate half of all life from the universe, the Louisiana state government wants to remove half of all the money in your your wallet. Also, just like all the people Thanos vaporizes, the money the government takes just disappears. It doesn’t turn into roads or bridges or schools, and it definitely doesn’t show up in the budget. It just kind of…drifts away. On the wind. Like poetry.
Covington: Black Panther
This might seem like an odd choice, but trust us. It actually makes perfect sense, because did you know an actual black panther stalks the area around Covington? There’s even a YouTube video and everything!
Sure, it’s been debunked as just being a really big house cat, but for awhile there, the internet was abuzz about Louisiana’s black panther - and who are we to say whether or not it's a fake? None of us are cat experts or anything, except for maybe Karen over in Accounting who, at last count, had just adopted her 23rd feline companion. But nobody really likes talking to her, so we’ll just leave this whole panther situation as a charming internet mystery.
Lafayette: Iron Man
Lafayette is currently the hip and cool place to live in the great state of Louisiana, which naturally makes it the Tony Stark of the Bayou State. Louisiana might not have a whole lot of high tech anything, but what we do have is mostly centered in Lafayette, so it’s a good fit for the billionaire industrialist.
He also drinks a lot, which would really work for any Louisiana town, but did you know Lafayette has approximately eleventy-bazillion bars per capita? Well, it does. No need to look it up.
Lake Charles: Thor
Wait, what? Yeah, we hear you. How in the nine realms is Lake Charles like Thor? To answer that question, first we need to hit you with a little science. Don’t worry. It won’t hurt. Much.
It turns out Louisiana is the 2nd most lightning-prone state in the country, right behind Florida. And guess which city in our great state gets struck the most? Yep. Lake Chuckles.
We don’t know what it is about the place that summons the wrath of the Norse god of thunder, but if Thor was a Louisiana town, he’d definitely be Lake Charles.
Pro Tip: Always unplug your electronics when it rains. Trust us on this.
New Orleans: Doctor Strange
This one should be pretty obvious. New Orleans is famous for a lot of things, not the least of which is voodoo and vampires and all sorts of supernatural goings on, which makes it the perfect place for the Sorcerer Supreme’s sanctum sanctorum.
There’s really not much more to say about it than that, though. Dr. Strange does magic, and New Orleans is a magical place. The two just go together. Like gumbo and roux.
While most of the Avengers are from New York, none of them are more New York than Spider-Man. And, since Shreveport is so far north it might as well be Yankeeland as far as the rest of Louisiana is concerned, the two seem like a natural fit.
The only real question is which Spider-Man should Shreveport be? We've got Toby Maguire, Andrew Garfield, and Tom Holland to choose from, and that's not even counting whoever that dude was with the puffy hair who played him on TV back in the '70s.
We actually think Shreveport is a pretty cool place, so we're going to go with Tom Holland. Not only is he the current Peter Parker, but he's also the best Peter Parker.
Don't say we never did anything for you, Shreveport.
The fine residents of Sulphur are a people of few words, but whenever they do talk, it’s probably going to involve a lot of screaming and smashing. Don’t believe us? Swing by the Sulphur-Calcasieu Information Station page over on Facebook and tell us we’re wrong.
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, though. After all, the Hulk is a valued member of the Avengers. We need a little muscle on the team, so having an entire city of people who are always angry and ready to start some mess is a nice advantage to have.
Texas: Captain America
Okay, this one is kind of a cheat, which is why we made it an honorable mention. We couldn’t really find a place for Cap in Louisiana, but that’s only because he clearly belongs to our Lone Star neighbor.
People like to think Steve Rogers’ superhero costume is based on the American flag, but how many stars are on it, again? That’s right. One.
One. Lone. Star.
If that isn’t peak Texas, we don’t know what is.