Top 5 Things to Do With All the Extra Hours of Sunlight on the Summer Solstice

You have to figure that your typical vampire has to use an alarm clock to wake up. I mean, he can’t just wait until that first warm beam of sunlight comes shooting through the windows, right? His windows are going to be blacked out. The summer solstice is a great time to tease your local vampire with the false promise of an easy breakfast. He’ll come to the door all excited, but uh-oh the sun hasn’t gone down yet! Poof – no more vampire. You’ll thank me later.  

Downside – Only works on dumb vampires. And don’t give me that BS about sparkly vampires being able to live in the sunlight, okay? Don’t be stupid – everyone knows sparkly vampires aren’t real. (Also, if he figures out your clever ruse, he’ll just wait until the sun really does go down before eating your entire family.)

The summer solstice is the longest day of the year, while the winter solstice is the shortest. I say make hay while the sun shines, dude. Capture some of that wonderful summer sun and then sell it in the winter time when everyone really needs it.

Downside – Sunlight has a really quick expiration date. Nothing’s worse than opening a jar of rotten sunshine. Don’t skimp with cheap jars.

This one’s similar to No. 2, but seems more and more realistic with every passing news cycle. Dust off that solar panel and top off all the batteries you keep in your underground bunker. (You have an underground bunker, right?)

Downside — Do not keep your batteries too close to your collection of goalie masks to protect against leakage. (What do you mean, “Why goalie masks?” How else are you going to protect yourself from the face-eaters? Do I have to do everything for you?)

Some people think that killing ants with a magnifying glass is cruel. Those people have never fallen face-first into an ant pile, I’m thinking. Today, revenge is yours. When you’re done with your bloody rampage, people will call them ‘fire ants’ for a different reason. MuuAHAHA! AHAHAHAH!

Downside – Killing ants with a magnifying glass IS cruel. It’s between you and your God, buddy.

More sunlight? Gah, that’s annoying! What is this, the Arctic Circle? How much more daylight do we really need in one day? How am I ever going to get through all these Bon Iver CDs and write my deep, dark poetry? And where’s my eyeliner, dammit? This day sucks … like, more than the others.

Downside – Someone might think it’s time for an intervention. Weigh your options, emo boy.