A ranch dressing fountain! I don’t normally care for weddings, but if you’re getting married and having a ranch dressing fountain, the address here at the station is 900 North Lake Shore drive and I’d love to come to your wedding.

Now, if you’re a true fan of ranch dressing, you know that your idea of a salad is best achieved by changing out their prospective bowl assignments. In other words, a cup of salad and a bowl of dressing. Now, the problem for real Ranch lovers is that most restaurants just don't seem to get it. Let me give you a prime example of what I'm talking about here.

A couple of days ago, I went to a local restaurant for dinner and, of course, I ordered a salad with Ranch Dressing. Well, we had barely uncorked the wine when out came the waiter with this really great looking salad. I mean it was a creation and, if my interest had actually been the salad itself, I would have been quite pleased, but I wasn't really noticing the salad as much as I was taking inventory on the Ranch.

Well, I asked if the manager was there; they allowed as how he was so I said, "Let me speak to him, please. Now, I'm not assuming the headwaiter is a man so don't go getting all in an uproar about the sex specific pronoun. It's just that I know how this story turns out.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Well, the head waiter comes out and I explained to him my plight. It seems that the waitperson thought I asked for a SAMPLE of Ranch Dressing. "Hell, I know what it tastes like;I just want a full order." And he replied right back that those little souffle cups are an order of Ranch Dressing. An order? The sad part is that he continued to look me right in the eye while he uttered that blatant lie.

I asked him, if I ordered an order of clam chowder would they bring it out in one of those crappy cups? What if I ordered beef stew? I continued to name a litany of menu items that just didn't belong in one of those cups when he looked at me with that exasperated expression that parents trying to deal with a two-year-old quite often use. I knew I had the SOB at that point.

He weakly muttered, "How much dressing do you want?" I replied with instructions that any Ranch Dressing lover will understand: "think salad for one, dressing for a dozen and we'll get along just fine and dandy."

Ranch Dressing Lovers Unite!

A Ranch Dressing fountain. To a Ranch lover, that's just downright obscene.