Nationwide Panic — Bacon Shortage

Forget all the airport drama. Ignore the insane political atmosphere and listen up. We are facing a national calamity of monumental proportions. According to the Ohio Pork Council, we are about to be facing a nationwide bacon shortage! Rich Deaton, president of the Ohio Pork Council says:

“Today’s pig farmers are setting historic records by producing more pigs than ever ,yet our reserves are still depleting.”

The experts say that demand is far outpacing supply when it comes to frozen pork bellies. Right now the U.S. has about 17.8 million pounds of frozen pork bellies in storage, but it seems that that is not really enough and we could see the price of bacon soar in the not to distant future.

The Department of Agriculture says that we are at a 50 year low when it comes to our pork belly reserves. One of the reasons is that there is a high demand for American pork bellies all over the world. Now, does that mean that we will eventually run out of bacon? Do we need to start stockpiling pork bellies to keep our insatiable appetites for bacon satisfied?

Will we have lines around butcher shops and meat markets? Will they start rationing bacon? How on earth are we going to make a BLT? Will people resort to fake bacon? Will we get so desperate for bacon that we will start buying Bacon Bits or its evil twin Bac-O's just to get the taste of the tasty pork product? What a sad situation it would be to find bacon lovers all over America using fake bacon products like they were methadone.

If a recipe calls for something like rib-eye steak or chicken breast, you can easily substitute another cut of meat or another part of the chicken. When a recipe calls for bacon, only bacon will do the trick.Oh sure, there is turkey bacon, but no self respecting fan of bacon would even consider such an idea. Turkey bacon is not bacon and anyone who says it is is spoiling for a fight.

I say we should stop exporting bacon until this crisis is over. That brings up another question; what countries are importing all this bacon? My theory is that it's the Canadians. You see, they have this stuff called Canadian Bacon. We all know that it's not really bacon, but we have been humoring Canada by offering it as a topping for pizza. I think they are hoarding American bacon on the side rather than admit that Canadian bacon is just a flimsy copy of the real thing.

Please join my "No More Bacon to Canada" movement. It's the only way we can preserve our right to real bacon. Now there, my friends is an issue that both parties can get behind. It's my small way of uniting the country.

You're welcome.