UPDATE: My Four-Hour Flight Delay — How I Got in Trouble at the Airport Today

I was suppose to fly out for a business conference today, departing from the Lafayette airport at around 6:15 a.m. today.  But when I got there, I found out the flight was delayed for "crew problems," whatever that somewhat terrifying statement means.  So now, I have four hours on my hands.  There's got to be some trouble I can get into while I'm here, right?  Let's start by ticking off the TSA guys, eh?

5:38 a.m.-- Time to explore the delights of the Lafayette Regional Airport.

5:40 a.m. -- It took exactly 122 seconds to explore the airport.  REPORT -- No delights.

5:54 a.m. -- Thinking of asking the TSA crew to frisk me to pass the time.

5:59 a.m. -- Update -- do not ask TSA to frisk you.  I am now on an FBI watchlist.

6:06 a.m. -- "Frisk" is a funny word, huh?

6:10 a.m. -- Woman just asked me if I'm flying to Hartford, Conn.  I say no.  She says, "You're lucky."  Clearly this means everyone going to Hartford is gonna die.

6:12 a.m.-- TSA not interested in my "Hartford woman is a killer" theory.

6:23 a.m. -- Offered to frisk the TSA crew to pass the time.  Am going to be detained for a bit.

7:03 a.m. -- No one to watch my bags.  Going to have to strap them on to go pee.

7:05 a.m.-- Caught security guard just hanging out in bathroom doing nothing.  Feel 29% less secure now.

7:18 a.m. -- Threw a quarter to distract TSA, dove head-first into X-ray machine.  My bones are frickin' awesome.

7:19 a.m.-- Gonna be detained again.

8:21 a.m. -- Pretty sure the chick at the Hertz counter is high.  ENTERPRISE RULES!

8:23 a.m. -- Sending my bags up the escalator by themselves to freak out the gang at the C gate.

8:36 a.m.-- I think Hartford Woman is staring at me when I'm not looking.  So that's what the stare of a cold-blooded killer feels like.

8:38 a.m. -- Made a hat out of the USA Today.

8:49 a.m.-- Couple checks-in little yappy, barking dog as luggage.  Hartford Woman staring intently at dog.  Uh, oh... You have unleashed the fury, dog couple!

8:51 a.m. -- Caught Marge at the  TSA station looking again at my X-rays.  Sorry, Margie, I'm taken.  But you'd be right to admire that bone structure, honey.

9:25 a.m. -- Lafayette is known as one of the premier Cajun cuisine capitals of the world.  Just finished my bag of Cheetos Cheese Puffs.