Every year around this time, YouTube starts filling up with graduation speeches from all these high-falutin' celebrities and CEOs.  And they're all so full of bull feces that it's coming out of their ears.

I wanted to do a speech for the Average Joe, for the guy who won't be a top executive or a movie star or someone millions of people admire.  Sure, that's great and all, but someone in this world still has to clean toilets, am I right?

So here, instead, is the advice I wish someone had given me before I realized I was never going to be special ever again.  Here is the Commencement Speech of the Damned.  Good luck to you in your life, bucko.  You're gonna need it!