Christmas Music for the Morbidly Sensitive — Ban the Chipmunk Song
I hate to start right in showing my age, but I remember when The Chipmunk Song was new. I guess I was about 8 years old at the time and I fell in love with the song on my first hearing. In my little 8 year old brain this was the finest song I had ever heard in my life.
For one thing, it was about Christmas. We all know that Christmas, as Jean Sheppard wrote in "A Christmas Story", "Lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas, upon which the entire kid year revolved." Truer words words were never spoken. There was, of course, the fact that the song was funny. Kids love sped up voices like that. Want to keep a kid amused for hours? Record a voice and play it back at a higher speed or take a hit on a helium balloon and you can keep an 8 year old in stitches for hours on end. So,why you ask, would anyone want to ban such a delightful record?
In order to answer that question one must think like the overly sensitive P.C. Bob. You see, in order to be properly P.C., you can't just listen to a song and go from that. It's very important that you now only think about what the song is about, you've got to OVER think the song.
With that thought in mind, here's why The Chipmunk Song should be banned:
First we have David Seville. He's the tyrannical leader of the group who has enslaved three innocent rodents and forced them to sing so that he may make money hand over fist. I'll bet the Chipmunks were lucky to get a few sunflower seeds and dried corn out of the deal.
. Secondly, and most offensively , there is the subject of religious freedom. You see, we have Alvin, Theodore and Simon. Now, think about it. There's a distinct possibility that Simon could be Jewish. I'm not saying he is, I'm just over thinking it and saying he could be. That makes David Seville a real jerk forcing Simon to sing a CHRISTMAS song!! I'm wringing my hands in despair over the plight of this poor enslaved rodent. Ban the song!
I need a tissue and a nap now, I'm so distraught over all this.
Enjoy this delightful children's song.