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Catholic Alligator Goes to Confession

Brooke Bellow
Brooke Bellow

Even gators need a little salvation every now and then, which is probably why this guy was spotted at St. Mary of the Lake in Lake Charles yesterday afternoon.

Unfortunately, we’ll never really know what the gator was there for, due to the confidential nature of Confession and everything, but that doesn’t mean we can’t guess. All we need to do is figure out what we know about alligators and apply that knowledge to Church Gator.

(Yeah, that’s his name now. Or hers. We respect its privacy (and teeth) too much to check its gender.)

Being that gators, quite literally, have a lizard brain, they usually aren’t thinking about much beyond mating and eating – but Church Gator is no ordinary reptile. He’s obviously spent more than a little time pondering life’s existential quandaries, which is probably why he risked crossing the road and weaving through traffic like a modern-day Frogger to get to church.

Clearly, he’d been rethinking his life of eating and mating recently, and needed to find a little salvation on account of the guilt he feels over how much time he’s spent lying to everyone about being a harmless floating log. Which was pretty nice of him, when you stop to think about it.

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Of course, before he got his chance at redemption, a concerned neighbor with a nuisance license and catching gear appeared on the scene to wrangle the beast back from whence it came. Unfortunately for the good Samaritan, he forgot that his wife had his catching gear right about the time he realized Church Gator was around 6 1/2 feet long and clearly well-fed.

He chose not to intervene.

Undaunted by the feeble attempts to oppress his religious freedom, Church Gator sauntered up the lawn and just chilled by the church for awhile before eventually giving up on his dreams of absolution as he wandered off into the nearby marshlands to resume his sinful life of murder and deceit.

I guess the moral of the story is that, if you happen to see a floating log munching on the local fauna out by St. Mary’s, give it a wide berth and respect its spiritual journey.

Amen.

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