Cajun Care Bears
Did you know there was a Louisiana spin-off planned for the ‘80s Care Bears cartoon? Probably not, because we just made it up. But the show would’ve been a hit.
The obvious leader of the group, Crawfish Bear is friendly to everyone, even if people are a little grossed out whenever they first meet him. His hobbies include taking long, relaxing soaks in boiling water, listening to Zydeco music, and showing up at literally every party in Louisiana.
His Care Bear Stare makes him particularly popular in the Pelican State, due to the fact that hundreds of fully-boiled crawfish materialize in front of him, complete with potatoes and corn.
Second in command of the Louisiana Care Bears is Gumbo Bear, who sees his lack of being top dog as a gross injustice to all bearkind. Still, he tolerates Crawfish Bear’s status because he knows he’s the most dependable member of the group whenever times get tough.
What makes Gumbo Bear popular is his ability to turn literally anything found in the muddy backwaters of the swamp into delicious, life-affirming food that has no right to be as good as it is, given the ingredients.
His Care Bear Stare has the unique ability of turning any random bit of moss or unidentifiable creepy-crawly into a prime ingredient in his latest culinary masterpiece.
Mardi Gras Bear
Wherever she goes, Mardi Gras Bear always brings the party with her. Most active during the period between Christmas and Ash Wednesday, Mardi Gras Bear nevertheless enjoys a year-round celebration of anything and everything, everywhere she goes.
Her Care Bear Stare makes her extremely popular during parades, as she’s capable of shooting an endless supply of beads and candy from her tummy.
She doesn’t like King Cake, though. Which is just weird.
Always the grumpiest member of the group, Boudin Bear never feels like he fits in anywhere. Simply hanging out with Louisiana locals usually ends with someone getting in a fight with someone else over just what, exactly, Boudin Bear represents and what he’s made of. Visiting with tourists doesn’t do anything at all for his mood either, since none of them can even pronounce his name right.
Despite his general crankiness, Boudin Bear is still a valued member of the group due to the fact that his Care Bear Stare is capable of materializing exactly the type of Boudin whoever is looking at him prefers most. This usually settles most disputes, at least until everyone is done eating.
Who Dat? Bear
Who Dat? Bear is, obviously, black-and-gold in color, and functions as the group’s morale officer. His Care Bear Stare is capable of turning even the most unathletic, sports-hating Debbie Downer into a New Orleans Saints Superfan.
A bear of few words, he mostly just goes around yelling WHO DAT? with enthusiasm so infectious that everyone around him can’t help but reply by shouting “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” at the top of their lungs.
Serving as the group’s official liaison to the public, How’s-Ya-Mama-And-Dem Bear is the most outgoing and friendliest member of the Cajun Care Bears. She’s genuinely concerned about how everyone’s family and friends are doing, and is always willing to help out however she can whenever someone’s not doing so well.
Her Care Bear Stare bypasses people’s natural distrust of strangers by directly stimulating the conversation centers of their brains, which usually results in long talks in the grocery store parking lot with someone she just met in the produce section that ends with the stranger feeling like they’ve been best friends since childhood.
Practically everyone in Louisiana has met Hangover Bear. Most active on Ash Wednesday, he never really takes a day off. Showing up the day after every party, gathering, or just a lonesome night spent drinking alone in a trailer park, Hangover Bear is the dose of reality that everyone needs in their lives from time to time.
Side effects of his Care Bear Stare include, but are not limited to: headache, nausea, fatigue, hypersensitivity to both light and sound, dizziness, and regret.
No one ever invites him to parties, but he always shows up the next morning, anyway.
Slap Ya Mama Pepper Bear
The most energetic member of the group, Slap Ya Mama Pepper Bear adds a bit of spice to everything she touches. Literally.
Her Care Bear Stare shoots out an endless stream of cayenne pepper capable of instantly turning any mundane dish into its Cajun equivalent (everywhere outside of Louisiana, anyway.)
Want to turn regular old french fries into Cajun Fries, for example? Just sprinkle on some cayenne pepper, and BOOM! Done.
Although that practice is generally frowned upon by actual Cajuns, Slap Ya Mama Pepper Bear is nonetheless still welcome in anyone’s home, as she is able to supply a vital ingredient in most every dish.
Tourists absolutely adore her, though.
Hailing from the heart of New Orleans, Voodoo Bear is both a welcome and feared member of the group. His thick accent makes him fun to talk to at parties, even if no one is ever quite sure of his intentions.
Known to bestow both blessings and curses, the one thing no one ever wants to do is get on his bad side. His Care Bear Stare involves producing various Voodoo and Voodoo-related paraphernalia at will, including chicken feet, pints of pig’s blood, stick pins, little dolls that look just like your ex, along with assorted bags, trinkets, and various gris-gris.
If you ever get a visit from Voodoo Bear, just smile and nod and, whatever you do, make sure he’s not carrying the still-beating heart of a virgin in his back pocket.
Trust me on this.
Common Core Bear
The most recent member of the Cajun Care Bears is Common Core Bear. As with most last-minute additions designed to reenergize a failing franchise by adding a cute baby or precocious kid, no one really likes her.
Often speaking in obtuse riddles that make absolutely no sense at all to anyone over the age of 5, Common Core Bear is as stubborn as she is optimistic. She’s completely convinced that her way is the right way, and that people will be better off once they look deep into the dark pit of her Care Bear Stare and realize that 2+2 only equals 4 if you subtract the square root of pi and plot the resulting digits on a number chart, then convert those numbers to symbols and then the symbols to letters, then divide by the square of the circle before ultimately solving the equation in expanded form as a word sentence.
No one in the group remembers inviting Common Core Bear to join them, either. She just kind of showed up one day, and nobody’s entirely sure where she came from.
Most people just blame Obama Bear.